Happy Valentine’s Day

Remember, we attract what we radiate!

The stores are filled with paper hearts.  The airways with messages that the only measure of a person’s love is what they do/buy for you on February 14th.  And if you aren’t in a relationship.  You might as well get a big scarlet L tattooed on your forehead.  I’d like to suggest another alternative.

This year be your own Valentine.  Not the fake being your own Valentine where you bitterly down Cosmos and a box of chocolates for yourself.  I mean really make an effort this month to figure out how to really, for real, love yourself.

If you don’t love yourself it’s not fair to the people who love you.  There is no way they can ever fill that hole for you.  Not anymore than they can eat your lunch for you.  There’s not a diamond big enough, a dinner fancy enough to ever fill that void.

So this year, whether you are single or in a relationship figure out how to be your own Valentine.  As with all thing when people want to make the shift it is the daily habit of thought that makes the difference.  This month there are reminders at every turn.

Every time you see a paper heart, a 2 for 1 Valentine’s Dinner Special or a doe eyed stuffed animal clinging to an “I Wuv You” heart, check in with yourself.  What kind of Valentine are you being to you?  What if someone treated you the way you are treating yourself?

Check in here for  antidote pictures, quotes & musings throughout the month as well.  Or follow on facebook, twitter or sign up for the Daily Dare Email list

Whoa! I never thought I’d be agreeing 100% with a Chrysler car ad! Yet there’s Clint Eastwood saying everything I’ve been saying. Lighting a fire in America’s belly to go out and WIN this thing! For most people this pep talk will be gone by Monday morning. But for others….

There will turn it around in the second half.  They find ways to turn the fear into excitement and inspiration.  They decide to stop wasting time looking back and start looking forward.  Even as they go through their same old day they refuse to settle for it and start imagining their perfect average day.  They turn off the TV when the fear mongering starts. Instead of wasting time figuring out whose fault it is, they start figuring out solutions.  They remember the only difference between fear and excitement is breathing.  They take the time to stop and breathe.

They use Eastwood’s fire in the belly narration to kickstart new habits.  And they back it up with daily action.  Hell, they back it up with moment by moment action. At every choice, every thought asking.  Is this moving me closer to what I want or farther away?  What could I do instead that would create the reality I want?

Here’s the real secret to a Second Half Comeback: We create our reality.  We create it in the choices we make, the thoughts we think, the things we say, the people we hang around, what we watch on TV, how we spend our money.  We can change our reality at any time by changing these things.

If we’re coming from way behind it may take a few downs to turn the tide.  The biggest mistake people make is giving up when they don’t score a touchdown on the first down.  A team making a 2nd half comeback backs up the locker room pep talk with a steady push of focused action on the field.

Click here if you’d like to take the locker room pep talk and develop a strategy for your second half comeback.

It’s February. Do you know where your New Year’s Resolutions are?  If you are like most people they fell off your calendar some where around January 15th.

Even if this year you set goals instead of making resolutions you may be noticing you’re back to doing the same old, same old.

How familiar is this? January 1 – lots of determination. This is going to be the year you make it happen.  For the first few days you are really good at doing or not doing what you said.  Then one day you just don’t fee like it.  You give yourself a day off.  It turns into 2, maybe 3.  Maybe you get back on for a day or two.  It’s just to hard to keep going and by the end of January you’ve fallen back into your usual routine.  And you’re feeling like a failure for not having had the will power to stick to it.

The problem is not that you are a weak willed failure. The problem is that will power is the wrong tool for creating change.  It’s like trying to use a hammer when you need a screwdriver. 

The problem with will power is an attempt to create change from the outside in.  It seems like an internal thing because if we just had more of it we’d have the moral character to make the “right” choice.  But really it is operating at the outer most levels of the system driving our behavior.  It is a function of the conscious mind.  And the conscious mind is not even close to running the show.

Einstein once said, “One cannot alter a condition with the same mind set that created it in the first place.”  The beauty of this is that when one shifts one’s mindset change comes easily and is permanent.

The challenge for most people in changing their mindset is that they can’t see it anymore than a fish can see the water in which it swims.  They have no idea which of their habits of thought are supporting and which are thwarting the changes they want to make.  Most people aren’t even aware of what they are thinking much less knowing where to begin in changing their mindset so they naturally create the changes they want.

Don’t give up on your 2012 Resolutions!  It’s not too late too make this your year….If you take some action now.  This time, make it a kinder, gentler action than the self-flagellation that is will power.  Alter your mindset and watch how easily the changes come.

If you’re not sure where to begin I’m offering a special on 1:1 consultations to help you get started.  Click here to find out more.

Most people are familiar with the idea that if you want to hold onto something set it free, if it comes back it is yours, if not it was never meant to be.  The irony is, if you want to let something go, you must first embrace it.  Sometimes when I’m trying to do either I agree with Depeche Mode, “that God’s got a sick sense of humor and when I die I expect to find him laughing.”

I Will Call Him George and I Will Hug Him and Love Him

Wouldn’t it be so awesome if things worked the other way?  And we could be like the   abominable snowman in the Bugs Bunny cartoons who just wants a rabbit of his very own.  When we want something  we could “call him George and I will love him and hug him. And I will give him security! And I will keep him warm like a mother hen, so he will never feel rejected or lack for love.” And we would never melt into a puddle of disappointment.

It seems when we want something all that focused intense energy seems to drive it away.  It is only when we can settle into a genuine detachment from the outcome that the thing we want or better can move towards us.  Our smothering desire can actually drive away the very thing we want.

If You Want Something To Go, First Embrace It

And this is the part that makes me think, Ha ha, very funny Universe!  When we are resisting something or wanting to drive something out of our lives or anger or perseveration on how much we hate it is really just the other side of the coin of our smothering desire.  Yet when we want something that focused energy pushes it away and when we don’t want something that energy keeps it connected to us.

The irony is, that if we want something to leave our lives we must first embrace it.  There is research out there for curing cancer in which instead of blasting cancer with radiation. Which is pouring huge amounts of “attack” energy into it.  Patients are instead embracing their cancer.  Instead of viewing those cells as “bad”, viewing them as a natural response to imbalances and even being grateful to them for that information.  Then restoring the balances.

It All Comes Down To This…

I’ve noticed my ability to let the thing go that I want and to embrace the thing I don’t want comes down to how much I trust myself.  When you find yourself trying desperately to hold on to someone or something that seems to be trying just as desperately to get way stop and ask.  How much do I trust myself to survive?  To be happy without this?  Remember true happiness comes from within.  If we are looking for something outside ourselves to make us happy there is something we are not giving ourselves. 

At this moment I happen to be grappling with wanting to block something out of my life.  And I’m getting a big dose of  “that which you resist, persists”!  I put an email block so I would not have to see related messages.  Even though the block was set up correctly and blocks on other addresses were working these came through.  Ha, ha, OK, I get it, I don’t just get to avoid this.

So I asked, “How much do I trust myself to handle and be OK with whatever may come up in this situation?”  When we allow something outside ourselves to throw us off balance or put us in fear mode we have forgotten who we really are.

Who we truly are is much deeper and bigger than any circumstance in our lives.  “It’s the storm, not you that’s bound to go away”.  During a rainstorm you can either resent every raindrop for making you wet and miserable or sing and dance and appreciate the rain’s contribution to growth.

Those circumstances we don’t like are merely a symptom of some imbalance in our life.  They are there to get our attention.When we resist we perpetuate the imbalance.  And the lessons continue to escalate until we get it.  When we embrace we heal, the lesson is no longer necessary and so departs.

Today’s Dare:

If you are trying to hold onto something.  Let it go and trust everything you need is within you.

If you are trying to block something embrace it and trust yourself to be able to handle whatever comes your way.

How much action have you been putting behind your goals for 2012?

In an effort to make the Daily Dare actually daily, or at least nearly daily I set goals and made plans.  I even wrote out a whole schedule for the week blocking out what hour I was going to work on different parts of building my business.  It was as if I had never met myself before!

I had planned out January Daily Dares to be about goal setting and the discipline (committed daily action) required to bring them to fruition.  A funny thing happened on the way to my goal…

Every morning I have a routine of reading from a few different sources of insight and spiritual  stretches.  Almost every morning I’d think, “I really need to write a post about that.”  I’d put it on my list and jump into into getting things done.  Those posts never got written.

The other day I realized I needed to write those posts right then.  It’s taking some adjustments in my Schedule of Doing to make it possible.  And based on the feedback I’m getting it’s worth it.

Achieving your goals does require daily committed action.  It just may not be the actions you make up you are supposed to do.

I wonder how many other people are like me. Confusing doing things with getting things done.  And yet when you stop doing and simply start being more happens.

If you must have a To Do List let it be this:

1. Do set your goals.
2. Do review them daily
3. Do develop the discipline working on them daily.
4. Do pay attention to that little whisper of a suggestion of what to do.
5. Do trust and just Be.

I’ve had this quote on refrigerator magnets, greeting cards and such for years.  I never really understood it until today.

I understood it to mean you are kind, loving, forgiving and  compassionate – to other people.  For example, when I see  a hate and fear filled political rant instead of getting pissed off and returning the hate I try to embody cooperation and collaboration.  That’s what I was doing when I posted about Osama Bin Laden’s Death.

I thought I was being the change I want to see in the world.  This morning I realized how innocent my understanding was.

This morning my Course of Miracles Lesson explains that it is our beliefs that keep the world in chains.  We are like tuning forks.  What we vibrate we send out into the world. What we vibrate we create in the world.  And holding kindness, loving, compassion and forgiveness for others is just a meaningless facade if you do not truly hold it for yourself.

Whoa! That really hit home!  If I had a nickel for every time someone gave me the feed back that I’m too hard on myself.  That I need to show myself some kindness.  Some compassion.  Be gentler with myself… It comes from people who have known me for years.  It comes from people who have just met me.  Clearly my tuning fork is vibrating this message strong and loud.

Recently, I’ve become very very clear my goal, my passion, what I’m inspired to speak and to write about is the shift this world needs to more compassion and collaboration.  My goal is to inspire people to dare to dream of designing their life around their passion and help them figure out the practicalities of actually making it so.  I want to be a catalyst for raising our Gross National Happiness.

Now I see that by refusing to grant myself the same kindness, compassion, forgiveness and loving that I readily give others I am actually limiting it for the world.  For right now, until I really develop the habit of giving myself all those things I’m using the motivation that by doing that for myself I’m serving the world.

Next time you find yourself wishing for change in the world.  Stop and ask am I giving this to myself first?

Recently when I told an old acquaintance what I’m up to with building my speaking and writing career he* became disgusted with me. He sees what I’m doing as completely ego driven. He worded it elegantly, “dismayed at what I’ve devolved into.”

With all my study and training as a coach (working 1:1 with people to create change) and facilitator (working with a group to create change), I’ve been practicing the discipline of honoring all feedback. I’ve been giving this feedback a great deal of consideration.

One of the things I told him was I wanted to be a public figure. He said he wouldn’t wish that on his worst enemy. Today I came across this quote from the I Ching

To become a center of influence is a grave matter and fraught with great responsibility. It requires greatness of spirit, consistency and strength. Hexagram #8 Pi

My term “public figure” was my attempt to convey this greater meaning of a “center of influence”. My goal with my speaking, writing, coaching and consulting is to bring people ease and joy in their lives as individuals so they can then go and spread the same to others.

When I read this quote I felt a little afraid. This is a grave undertaking. Am I really up to it? Am I capable of the great responsibility it requires? Do I have the greatness of spirit? What about the consistency? The strength?

There is a saying that the reward for achieving a goal is not obtaining the goal, but the person you become in the process. Perhaps right now I don’t have all the consistency and strength, and should I choose to really take on this task I will develop them.

Do I have the greatness of spirit? Yes I do. We all do. It is who we are. We just go to great lengths to hide it and hamstring it with all our insecurities and fears.

Maybe it is egotistical to even want to become a center of influence. I so firmly believe that what I’m bringing to people will benefit them, their families and humanity that it would be selfish not to make it available to as many people as possible. My goal is to bring these ideas to people who haven’t heard them before. And to offer comfort to people who are shell-shocked as the “too big to fail” institutions crumble. I was lucky that they crumbled for me 3 years ago. I know a thing or two that can make the journey easier for others.

Imagine for a minute what would the world be like if you and everyone you knew was living the life true to them instead of what was expected of them. What would life be like if you and each person in your family and everyone you knew lived a life designed around their passion? What would it do for kids if their parents were really truly happy? Were modeling doing what you love instead of doing what you have to do? What would it do for the world if people were finding fulfillment in themselves, their families and their communities instead of the trip to the mall?

How are you influencing your world?

When I imagine it my whole body smiles. What I see is like this image. Each center of influence creates a spiral of influences. Each of those in turn creates a spiral of influence and so on and on and on… When one person dares to step into their center of influence hundreds, thousands more, are created.

I think the world is due for some due for some some other influences than the Kardashiens

*gender may or may not have been changed to protect privacy

Since I’d like to actually make some things happen in 2012 I’m not making New Year’s Resolutions.  Based on what I know about how the human brain moves from point A to point B and makes lasting change, traditional New Year’s Resolutions are perfectly designed to ensure failure.

First, let’s take a look at the definition:

Resolution – noun 1. the act or an instance of resolving 2. the condition or quality of being resolute; firmness or determination 3. something resolved or determined; decision

All three definitions focus on the resolving, the deciding.  That is a great first step.  It is similar to the first step in my formula for Daring to Design Your Life Around Your Passion.  In my formula, the first step is to declare what you want.  I chose declaration over resolution because I am a firm believer in The Field and the connection between energy and matter.  When we make a declaration we shift things in the field and activate resources outside ourselves in support of our declaration.

The problem with staying in resolution is that is just the deciding phase.  It gives the illusion of doing something while never actually leaving the launch pad.  It is action, not the condition of being resolute that creates change.

The next way most New Year’s Resolutions are perfectly designed to guarantee the experience of failure is the way they are worded.  This year, even if you just change how your resolutions are worded, you will improve your chances of success.

1) State the Positive: The human brain tends to think in concrete images and doesn’t process the word “No” or  “Stop”.  For example, if you tell a child, “Stop hitting your sister!” the stop falls off and the image that remains is of hitting sister.  The key is to state what you DO want.

For example, the classic “This year I’m going to stop smoking”.  The brain doesn’t know what to do with stop.  There are all kinds of habits and routines built around smoking.  You can’t just stop that.  You must replace it with something else.  Why do you want to stop smoking anyway? Is it for your health?  Is it because you want to be around to see your grandkids?  State your Declaration around that.  You’ll probably be surprised to find that “stopping smoking” was actually a limiting idea.  If you focus your goal on being healthy you’ll probably find yourself discovering a myriad of other ways you can improve your health.

2) Get Clear and Specific: Which of these goals will you know without a doubt you’ve achieved?  a) Drink more water.  b) Drink 64 ounces of water everyday.

The more clear and specific a goal the more likely it is to stick.  If you’d like assistance in honing your resolution into a clear and specific goal post your resolution in the comments.

3) Own The Action Now: If you have applied the previous steps, what was once your resolution to “lose weight” may have become something like “I will weigh 145 pounds.”  That’s an awesome start! And you just fell into the most common trap of New Year’s Resolutions. 

The brain is much like a computer in that it diligently runs the programs we install as they are written.  If your goals are stated in the future as “I will….” or “I’m going to….” your brain will follow orders and make sure those results stay right where you say you want them.  In the future.  As each future becomes your new now that goal will move up to the new future.

Here’s the cool thing. You can actually use this mechanism to help you. Take a look at this picture of a circle. There’s a piece missing.  The brain hates gaps.  When there is a gap it gets very busy filling them in. When you state your goals as “I weigh 145 pounds” and you don’t your brain knows there is a gap there.  The human brain has bajillions more processing power than even our most advanced computer and it doesn’t know the difference between real or imaginary.  Stating I weigh x amount in the present the brain experiences that in the now.  But wait! We don’t actually weigh that amount! You have just activated the worlds most powerful super computer finding a way to close that gap.  You will suddenly find yourself deciding to skip the scone.  Deciding to take the stairs.  Picking the salad instead of the fries.

4) Set A Date: Ever notice how much more productive you are when you have a clear and specific deadline?  That is a reflection of how the super computer between your ears works.  Meeting the goal of weighing 145 pounds by June 1st, 2012 requires a very different set of actions than weighing 145 pounds, you know, sometime, whenever.  Set a deadline that is both realistic and creates some urgency.

5) Review Daily: Life happens.  Even the most powerful goals can get shoved aside in the chaos of daily life.  If you let them.  I review my goals every morning before my meditation and every night before I go to sleep.  We do some of our best problem solving when we are asleep.

A rocket uses 90% of it’s fuel just getting off the launch pad. In order to support you in your launch of your 2012 goals throughout January the Daily Dare will be focusing on setting goals and getting them off the launch pad.

Stay connected for support and motivation in turning your goals into your reality.  Pick your favorite communication.  Subscribe to have Daily Dares delivered to your inbox or follow on facebook or twitter.

Update: Someone shared this on my facebook: The staff at Alice 96.7 get real with their New Year’s Resolutions

2011 was not my best year ever.  Parts of it were downright brutal.  There was one thing in particular making me crazy.  I was wasting hours of my life obsessing on a situation I could not change.  It was the last thing I thought about going to sleep and the first thing I thought about in the morning.

I decided this is NOT coming with me to 2012.  I pulled out a pad of paper and  started writing.  I told that person everything I wanted to say.  I recorded in angry scrawls, that cut through the paper, the complete unfairness of it all.  I let tears run the ink and make the paper soggy as I wrote out the hurt and betrayal.  I wrote pages and pages for two hours, until every thought and every emotion had run it’s course.

At the end relief.  A sense of cleansing.  Waters running clear again.  And there was another unexpected gift.

By writing and writing whatever came up, once my pissed off 5 year old tantruming about the injustice had worn herself out, a voice of wisdom emerged.

My situation in 2011 was simply my rock bottom of a pattern that had been a disservice to me for years.  I found myself chronicling event after event where I had set aside my well-being to make sure someone else didn’t have their feelings hurt.  Again and again, the pattern repeated.  Had I listened to my instinct.  Had I trusted myself.  Had I believed being loved is a right we are born with, not something that has to be earned.  I never would have been in those situations.

Bright yellow flames leaped up from the pages when I put the match to them.  As the burn slowed I watched the embers move through paper.  The words were still visible on the ashes until a touch of the poker sent them tumbling through the grate.  And so, what happened in 2011 stays in 2011.

The next morning when I woke up instead of writing futile letters in my head I found myself thinking about how to reach my goal of 100 speaking engagements in 2012.

That’s the beauty of hitting rock bottom.  If you don’t chose to give up and just lie there your next move is the bounce back.

What are YOU leaving in 2011?

When I was a kid every Sunday night I’d be scrubbed and in my pajamas snuggled on the couch with a bowl of popcorn waiting for music to play, the lights to light and for things to get started on the Muppet Show that night. Sesame Street was born the same year. I grew up on The Muppets academic and moral lessons that invariably devolved into hilarious bouts mayhem with fur, feathers and sometimes even spongy bodies flying.

So when I heard there was a new movie I was going and I was getting a tub of that horrible for you popcorn dripping in that horrible for you butter-like substance and I was going to enjoy every bite and step back into the world of the Muppets.

One of the reasons the The Muppets work is they are really just spongy versions of us grappling with identity crisis, wanting to belong, wanting to be loved, feeling like it’s not easy being green.

Going to this movie I was just excited to have a childhood memory be larger than life for a little while. And to have some fun for a bit. I’ve been getting alot of feedback both from people who’ve known me for a long time and people who have known me for only a short time that I need to stop working so hard and have some fun.

Ahhhh, I was all settled in my seat with my bag of popcorn giggling at both the gratuitous physical comedy and the jokes designed for adults, just cruising along on The Muppet ride. We were approaching the end. Was the day going to be saved? You know it is because it’s The Muppets. Not like those horrible new TV shows and movies that actually would kill Toto. In Muppet world you can sink into the uncertainty because you know it’s going to be OK.

Saving the day came down to one little Muppet named Walter. They needed him to save the show. He was afraid. He didn’t know what his talent was or if the talent he had was good enough. During their heart to heart his pep talker said, “Believing in everyone else is easy. It’s believing in yourself that’s hard. That’s when you grow up.”

Ooougggghhh! That drove right into my heart. A friend said to me several years ago, “When are you going to start believing in yourself the way you believe in everyone else?” She said it years ago and yet somehow watching that little Muppet and rooting for him to step up and step in and the soaring dramatic music when he did drove it home. That and the little niggle of “That’s when you grow up.”

I’ve been such a Walter!! I’ve been hiding out in the back of other people’s seminar rooms instead of stepping onto the stage myself and whistling my own tune! I’ve been hiding out from writing Daily Dare posts because it actually scared me when people told me what an impact they’ve had.

Well enough! It’s time to grow up, put on my big girl panties and give to myself the same compassion and unconditional, judgement free support that I give to everyone else!

And where in your life are you hiding out from stepping into the limelight meant for you by being too busy supporting everyone else? Your spot light is yours alone. No one else can sing your song. Think of the joy that will go unfelt. The laughter that will be unlaughed. The inspiration that will go unrealized. The world needs your message. Today dare to step onto the stage, into the spotlight that only you can fill and believe in yourself as you do everyone else.

Fear plays an interesting role in our lives. How dare we let it motivate us.  How dare we let it into our decision making, our livelihoods, our relationships.  -”Robert California” The Office, Season 8, Episode 5

As a student of human dynamics and the psychology of business one of my favorite breaks is to kick back and watch the painfully awkward antics of the Scranton office workers.  It is a bit of a bus man’s holiday watching a show on human dynamics in business.

The new Robert California character played by James Spader has intrigued me.  He seems to shine a light in on the shadow sides of the characters.  Call out the elephants in the room.  I loved the cleverness of this quote.  Here we are following the puppet in one hand of the usual Office antics, distracting, keeping attention on the light and silly and meanwhile the other hand is weaving a powerful lesson.

Watching just the clip of the quote doesn’t give the full impact.  That’s the beauty of it.  It isn’t just a soundbite.  It’s more than a gimmicky Halloween scare.

And I love how he is slightly pissed off.  How DARE we let fear into our decision making?  We are starting another election cycle.  There’s so much propaganda from all sides attempting to drive us to make decisions out of fear.  What if as a group this campaign voters said enough of the fear already and demanded a campaign based on solutions?

Ok, that’s a tall order I know.  I tend to think big picture.  Someone once said to me “You can’t see the trees for the forest.”  So what if we all just started refusing to allow fear into our decision making in our daily lives?  Studies show that when we are afraid we lose several IQ points.  There is also the saying that “The only difference between fear and excitement is breathing.”

What would it create in your life if you noticed when you were letting fear into your decision making, stopped to breathe and then decided?   What would we create in our world if more and more people made that their habit?

Today’s Dare:  Refuse to allow fear to motivate you.  Refuse to allow it into your decision making.  Refuse to allow it into your livelihood.  Refuse to allow it into your relationships.  Insist that love and gratitude drive your motivation, decisions, livelihood and relationships.

And invite friends to do the same.  We need everyone we can get!

I first learned this lesson a few years ago along with Oprah.  I remember when she shared her inability to say no and the impact it had on her life.  Feelings of resentment being stuck doing things she didn’t really want to do.  Feeling like everyone else’s needs came before hers.  Even putting other people ahead of her own well-being.

As she shared I remember feeling a visceral reaction of Holy Cow that’s me! Right along with her I adopted the practice of saying, “Let me get back to you on that” when someone asked me to do something.  Then taking the time to picture myself doing it.  Did I feel excitement or irritation at the idea?  Did it really work with my schedule?  Did it really align with what I say I’m up to in my life?

Next came the challenge of simply saying, “No, That doesn’t work for me.”  It’s amazing how we think we need to make up some sort of elaborate excuse.  The fact is most people on most occasions are fine with a no.  They don’t care the reason.  They just need to know so they can find the person who is an enthusiastic yes.

That’s the other thing I realized in this.  There’s no point in being the martyr.  You’re really not that important.  If you say no the world’s rotation isn’t going to grind to a halt.  And even more importantly there is someone out there who likely would love to have that opportunity.  Your grudging, resentful yes deprives that person of the opportunity.

When you take up the practice of saying No.  Check in for a moment.  Were you getting a little pay off of self-important martyrdom?  Everybody depends on me. Oh my schedule is so packed.  I noticed that all that busyness for other people was also a very effective way to avoid living my own purpose.

For me, taking on the practice of saying No also revealed a lack of belief in my own worth.  I rushed to say yes and be helpful and indispensable to people because I thought that was the only way they would want me around.  Not a very respectful way to treat my friends!

As I started saying no to the things I wasn’t really excited about I had to start thinking about what I really wanted in my life.  The clearer I got on that the less I had to say “Let me get back to you.”  I knew right away if something aligned with what I say I’m up to.  And soon I began to notice an instant yes or no buzz in my nervous system.

Learning to say no is much like learning to ride a bike.  At first it is going to feel completely foreign and awkward.  You’re going to feel wobbly and uncomfortable, and soon it gets easier and easier and then one day it is just second nature.

When you see a penny on the sidewalk what do you do?  Do you pass it by as not worth the effort to bend down and pick it up? If you do pick it up what is your mindset? Is it gratitude or indifference?

Years ago I started the practice of always stopping to pick up pennies with a silent “Thank you”. At first I felt like a dork stopping to pick up pennies and would try to do it all stealth-like.  Yeah, that usually ended up with me looking even stupider.  So instead I just owned I’m picking up the penny on the sidewalk.  As Wayne Dyer says, “Other people’s opinions of me is none of my business.”

Probably if you are reading this post you’ve read many of the same books I have about manifesting abundance and are very familiar with the idea that it is all there waiting just behind the curtain to come into our lives and the only thing that is stopping it is our own mental blocks about it.

When I see a penny on the sidewalk I imagine it as a little bit of the vast abundance that would like to pour into my life.  The penny is just a sliver that managed to squeeze through a crack in my blocks and resistance.  If I could make it a movie it’d be a funny animation of this bit of abundance squeezing and working it’s way through that tiny fissure.  Imagine doing all that work to get here and then just being passed by.  Or picked up but not appreciated. Would you be likely to make the effort again?

When I pick up a penny I do so with gratitude.  Not just for the bit of change but for the reminder that it is but a symbol of the great abundance that would come my way.  The reminder that a hundred times, a thousand times that amount would come pouring into my life if I would only let it.

I notice when I’m on track, when I’m in the flow I find silver change and even bills.   Some days it seems my path is just paved in money.  I also notice when I go a few days without finding money I find myself asking, “How am I off track?”

A bit superstitious?  Maybe.  Still I dare you to take on the practice of stopping to pick up the penny no matter where you are or who is around.  Pick it up, say a silent thank you, and note that this is but a symbol of the abundance that is now available to you and that 100 times this amount is on it’s way to you.

This question on LinkedIn inspired me well beyond what is allowed in the comment box. Mike asks “For many of us, a significant part of our identity is the work we do. In this continued difficult job market and high unemployment, how do we maintain our self identity when we can’t find work?”

First: Question

Is that self-identity real or one I settled for in my years in that job or career?  What if this is an opportunity to reinvent or rediscover oneself?  When I left teaching on medical stress leave after nearly 20 years I had no idea who I was without the label “teacher”.  You know what I eventually realized?  Being a teacher was never my dream.  It was someone else’s dream for me.  Maybe the task at hand is not to maintain your old self-identity, but to invent or discover something better.

Seek New Opportunities To Contribute

Many people have their sense of identity entangled with their work because that is the most common source of fulfillment for several of our most basic human needs.  Such as significance, contribution and community.  In our jobs we have responsibility. It matters if we don’t get our work done.  Our work is significant.  We are contributing to something bigger than us.  And even though some people at the office may make us crazy we have a community we go to and are a part of each day.

When all that is suddenly gone and is gone for a long time it is hard to maintain a sense of identity.  What if there were opportunities for us to contribute in other areas of our lives?

There is quite a bit of research on the impact helping others has not only on the person being helped, but also on the person helping.  All kinds of happy juices flood the brain.  We experience a sense of significance, community and contribution.

There are wonderful organizations that serve people, critters and the world in so many different ways.  Many of them are struggling to survive this recession.  Think for a moment.  If all the people in America right now out of work volunteered their skills for just 10 hours a week.  Want to experience significance?  Contribution? Community? Reach out and offer your services to a cause you really believe in.

So often when people think of volunteering they think of planting trees or serving soup or hanging out with packs of unruly kids.  But every one of those organizations needs other services as well.  Are you in marketing?  Find the organization that you believe in and offer to do a pro bono marketing campaign.  Got accounting skills?  Help with the books.  Whatever you do there is someone that will be eternally grateful for your contribution.

Top Ten Benefits Of Volunteering

10) You get to use your skills.  I think that’s the biggest challenge for people who aren’t employed – not getting to use their skills
9) You get to have a project besides the job search to think about.  Watch how creative and innovative your suddenly become in your job search when you have another fun project.
8) You are out interacting with people in a context other than groveling for a job.  You are contributing. Watch how confident you become again. It will spill over to your job interviews
7) You have some structure to your schedule and something to look forward to in your week.  It’s hard to get out out bed and face yet another day of trolling the Linkedin Job postings.
6) When we follow our passions abundance follows – this could end up turning into a paying job or you could meet your next employer in the course of serving.
5) You could save an organization that is making a difference from extinction.
4) You may never know the ripples of positive impact your contribution makes.
3) Reinvent or rediscover yourself.
2) Trigger a cascade of positive brain juices not only for yourself but also for the people you work with
1) You contribute to the change of the collective mindset about the economic climate – when everyone talks about it and fears it we get more of it.  We need more people thinking at a higher level.

I’m hoping that this recession ends up being a great gift by driving people to reconnect with themselves and and their community.  My experience among my friends, network and village was as soon as times “got hard” everyone pulled together, started looking out for one another a little bit more.  Where I could be feeling lack and hardship I’m experiencing a warm glow from a deep sense of connection.

When opportunities like this come your way how do you participate?  Do you miss them completely? Do you sit on the side lines part of you dying to just jump in? Are you a shy participant? Or an enthusiastic participant? Or are you a leader?  There is a saying that life is holographic and how we participate in one are is a reflection of ho we participate in all areas. What if you took up just one level?

I can’t decide whether this goes in Daily Dare or Million Dollar Mindset.   Yesterday when I had my phone stolen I had to laugh.  I had just that morning sworn that this time I really was going to act on my weeks old decision to upgrade my woefully out of dated phone.

I’ve been putting it off because to me going to the phone store carries the same level of dread that going to the dentist carries for others.  Now I’m definitely going… I might have just gotten “too busy” otherwise.

I noticed yesterday’s departure of my phone that in some areas of my life I don’t follow my own advice and close the gap between when I 1) make a decision 2) admit I’ve made the decision 3) act on it.  In some areas I diddle and dawdle until the decision is essentially made for me by circumstances.  When we act on our decisions only when our hand is forced we lose options.

The phone thing was just a small example.  A much bigger one was leaving teaching.  I had decided probably 5 years to leave before I actually did.  When I did leave it was on doctor’s orders because stress was literally killing me.  Imagine how many options I would have had if I had put action behind my decision when I first made it?  Imagine where I would be now if I had started the transition 5 yrs earlier and hadn’t needed almost a year to recover.

Both, one big, one small have cost me.  They both cost me money.  And even more importantly cost me ease and the joy and satisfaction that comes from daring to live your purpose.

After yesterday’s little wake up call with the phone I’m doing inventory in my life.  Where else have I made a decision that I am dawdling on acting on it?  What am I going to do about it?

What about you?  Where do you need to put some action behind a decision you made weeks, months or even years ago?

Is the glass half empty or half full?  Traditionally people who see the glass as half empty have been deemed pessimists and those who see it as half full as optimists.  And what if there is a whole other way of looking at the glass?

What if an empty glass or a half empty glass is not a symbol of lack but of possibility?  My Yogi teabag today had the message, “Empty yourself and allow the Universe to fill you up”.

The more you empty out the old that doesn’t serve you anymore the more room you make for the new.  This can be the physical clutter.  You say you want a new relationship but your place is filled with mementos of the old.  It can be mental. You say you want a new relationship and yet everyday your grievances about the wrongs your ex did to you invade your thinking and your language.  Are you one of those people who spends the whole first date talking about how horrible your ex was?

To make room for the new you must clear out the old.  A glass that is half empty has more possibility for new potential than one that is half full.  So maybe all along our “pessimist” friends have really been representing the greatest possibility.

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The story goes that Pandora’s housed all the ills of the world.  And yet in there among all those nasties was one bit of good – Hope.  Something never seemed quite right about that to me.

The story explained that it was because hope was meant to be the one salvation for humanity now that all these ills had been unleashed into the world.  It didn’t make sense to me that it was stored with them in the first place.  Was it misfiled?  Why was it there?  How had all the little nasties not destroyed it while confined in the box?

It wasn’t until after working with many different people in different situations that I realized hope has a dark side and may have actually quite at home with the other miseries in the box.

I notice that hope can become a way of keeping one’s desires in the future and prevent them from engaging in purposeful action towards creating that goal.

When we hope we are counting on a source or power outside us to fulfill our desires.  When we decide and act we are relying on ourselves to generate the results we want.

It is actually the nastiest thing in the box.  Because it gives the delusion of comfort and ease while luring us into staying stuck.

Think of something you want in your life.

Say the phrase, “I hope x happens.”  Notice your experience. 

Now say, “I am (insert action verb of your desire.” Now what is your experience?

There are the stories of people in dire situations relying on hope to get them through.  Take a look below the surface and you quickly discover in fact they were relying on their own mental discipline of focusing on what they want, telling stories of learning and possibility and finding creative solutions.

Today Give Up Hope.  Make room for intention and committed action.

I’m fed up.  I’ve been trying for aaaages to make this website follow the “rules” of what a consultant, coach and speaker website is supposed to look like.  I’m done.  I’m doing it my way.  All the experts keep saying telling me not to put in the kitesurfing in because it’s confusing.

Well you know what? It’s more confusing when big chunks of me are missing from my site.  So I’m putting them in. And who do you want to work with?  Someone with a site that follows all the rules of marketing copy or someone who is real?

Where in your life are you putting other people’s opinions ahead of what you know is right for you?

When you have a problem do you go talk it over with the village? Or everyone on your Facebook feed?  All you get is a hundred different opinions filtered through those people’s views or the world. They may have the best of intentions, and  NO one knows what is right for you except for you.

When I was first learning to kiteboard lots of people had lots of advice.  One person in particular.  One day he got really frustrated with me and accused me of not listening.  I explained that just because I didn’t choose to take his advice didn’t mean I didn’t listen to it.

Clients tell me they don’t know what to do.  But they do know.  They are just out of the habit of listening to themselves.  With the advent of the 24 hour news shows, mobile social everything opinion has become the main filler.  It is the empty carbs of communication.

The only person’s opinion that matters in your life is your own.  To hear it you have to make room for it.

Listening to yourself is not an occasional event when you have to make a big decision.  It is a daily discipline.  For me that is through a practice called Daily Pages from The Artist’s Way.  Every  morning I write 3 sides of 8×11 plain white paper.  It is a brain dump.  I write whatever comes to mind.  It’s amazing what comes out.

What will turn off the external flood of opinion so you can hear yourself think?

You might think with my background as a teacher that I would be outraged by the court’s decision to allow violent video games to be sold to children.  But I’m not. I’m actually happy for the decision.  The solution to this issue is not legislation, but education.

If there were a law against selling these games to children most people would think the issue has been handled and forget about it.  And really, what would the enforcement of that law be?  Maybe one or two store owners would get a slap on the wrist.  Parents who see no problem with their children playing these games would just declare the law stupid and invasive and buy the games for their children anyway.

The Court’s decision not to pass the law has started the conversation.  Has gotten people like me (and probably many of you) who make it a practice not to engage with violent TV, movies and games to take notice of the levels of violence and misogyny to which those media have evolved.

I’m posting a segment from the Daily Show where John Stewart addresses this decision.  He included footage from the games.  Warning! It is very graphic!  I was almost able to watch it.  Dare to look.  Dare to consider how not only watching this kind of material, but engaging in it for hours a day changes a person.  Yes, it is fantasy, yes it is through a game controller.  And the fact is the human brain does not distinguish the difference between reality and fantasy.  It is all real to the brain.

I would assert the issue is not should these games be sold to children, but how do we shift so that these games become obsolete in the face of love, gratitude and bold enthusiasm in living our higher purpose.  The issue is not only children playing these games and being changed by them.  You don’t spend hours of your childhood disemboweling people without being changed by it. It is also the loss of the potential contributions of the adults playing them.  What could have been created in the world if their time and talents were dedicated instead to engaging in the world?

I don’t really know what the solution is here.  I’m probably preaching to the choir in my blog followers.  In my experience people who are really committed to playing these games and truly see no harm in them are very hard to convince otherwise.

When I was a teacher we had a kindergartener expressing fear for his mother’s safety.  He was sure she would be killed.  He shared stories about how it would happen.  When we sat down with the family we discovered that he had been playing Grand Theft Auto with his father and older brother.  The scenarios he was relating were from the games.  On that revelation we suggested the 5 yr old not be a part of the video games.  The father’s response was anger at us.

It seems such an impossible mountain to climb sometimes.  The violent video games are huge money makers. And they need to keep upping the ante to keep players engaged as their tolerance increases. And their bodies become addicted to the floods of hormones that the games evoke.

How do we make the shift?  Thank the Supreme Court for their decision which prevents us from having a false sense of security that the issue is handled.  Keep up the discussion.  Dare to look at the games your children are playing.  Dare to ask what games their friends are playing and to forbid going to those houses to play.  Dare to explain to your children why you are making that decision.  Dare to talk to other parents about it.  Dare to bring it up with people you know who play the games.

I’m not going to lie.  The transition from 20 years of security working for the school system to striking out on my own as a consultant and motivational speaker has not been easy.  As I write this I find myself looking back over the last two years and wondering why I didn’t give it up ages ago! This journey has felt a bit like Sisyphus and his rock.

Lately, it has felt like that rock rolled right over me on it’s way back down the hill.  So I’ve been finding new ways to support myself.  One is using Tony Robbins‘  Hour of Power I’ve turned my morning workout into an active meditation.  Part of the program is doing incantations as you exercise. Things like “Everything I need is within me now!” and “Everyday and in every way I’m feeling stronger and stronger!” I felt a bit silly at first.  I still make sure no one is in ear shot and as silly as it seems it actually works!

This morning I passed a girl maybe 15 or 16.  She had more than the typical adolescent black cloud looming over her.  As she passed suddenly my incantation became, “Everything you need is with in you now.”  As I thought it I experienced an surge. Kind of like you get when first firework lights up the sky and cracks the air with it’s boom.  With it came a certainty, a reassurance that I am on track.  That I have the capability to assist people in reviving their joyful enthusiasm.

Hopefully her cloud was just a little less dark as well.  It’s hard to say who really gave whom the gift.

Katy Perry sums it up well:

When you dare to put a stake in the ground for what you believe in you become the light in the darkness showing the way and creating the meeting place for others on the same mission.

A friend recently dared to declare on her business website that she only wanted to work with people making a positive difference in the world.  She was afraid to plant that stake because she was afraid she might be ruling out business opportunities.  She probably did.  And she has been busy with new clients who share her mission.

So often people try to be all things to all people.  For fear of missing out on business.  For fear of not being liked.  For fear period.  The result is a diluted, bland and inauthentic version of you.

When you dare to hold strong boundaries for what is true and authentic for you your fellow tribe members (and customers) can more easily identify you. Everyone may not like what you stand for but they are more likely to respect your stand.

I have a friend on Facebook whose statuses are quotes from Ekhart Tolle and similar authors.  Her posts are reminders to strive for peace in the world by practicing personal compassion and acceptance. When Anthony Weiner politician  announced his resignation that her status expressed delight in his fall and hope for similar for the remaining Democrats.  (If this scandal has passed when you discover this post insert the name of the latest politician and his/her political party)

It is easy to extend compassion and understanding to people we like and with whom we agree.  That is a good start.  The real work, the real embodiment of those principles happens when we extend them to people we don’t agree with and don’t like.  When you can do that you are walking the walk.  Otherwise, it’s just talk.

Today watch a TV show or listen to a radio show or engage in conversation with someone with whom you strongly disagree.  As you do so extend the same compassion and understanding you would to someone you agree with and like.

It is hard.  I still struggle with it.  It is in the doing it when it is hard that we make the most difference for ourselves and our world.  As we head into the 2012 presidential election cycle there will be no shortage of opportunity to practice – no matter what your political persuasion.

This dare is based on a personal experience.  I was working with a coach the on identifying my niche as a speaker.  She gave me a profound gift.  Permission.  She gave me permission to close the door on my previous career and to pursue the new course that gives me joy.  I didn’t even know I was missing it until she granted it to me.  And the amazing thing was as soon as she did I was able to grant it to myself.  My experience was a combination of relief of putting down a heavy burden and of a bird soaring powerfully and playfully in the sky.

Within the hour I was able to pay it forward.  I ran into a friend and we had a chat over coffee. She was also struggling with burn out on her 25 year career.  She thought it was a foolish idea to pursue anything else.  After all, she has all this experience. Yet she was tired of it and longing to move on to something new and different. By the end of our conversation she was soaring on the wings of possibility generated by the granting of permission. The years of burdens, the shoulds & the have tos dissolving into possibility.

I’ve noticed that people have difficulty truly giving themselves permission until they experience it being granted by someone else.  It doesn’t make any sense on a logical level.  My coach had no authority to give me permission.  I had no authority to give my friend permission.  That permission can really only come from within.  Yet receiving it from someone else seems to get things going.

What is permission really? It is saying “Yes” to someone’s dream.  You may be the first person to do so.  You may be the tipping point person to do so.  You may be the 5th of the 10 yeses they need to hear.  When you say yes to other people’s dreams you generate yes for yours as well.

If you are reading this sentence you are hereby granted permission to follow your passion.  To arrange your life around what brings you joy in life.  To close the door on your old career, old ways of doing things,  – no matter how many years you’ve invested in it.   Now pay it forward, and say yes to someone else’s dream.

In the face of a diagnosis of cancer Bruce Feiler enrolled 6 of his closest friends to be the Council of Dads for his two young daughters.

Today’s Dare: If you have young children make sure they will be cared for and supported should anything happen to you.  Name your Council of Dads or Council of Moms.  Bruce has a how to  kit on his website.

What do we typically do when a baby takes their first step?  We don’t say, “It’s about time.  Why aren’t you running yet?”  We don’t criticize how wobbly it was. Or how little distance was covered.  No, we clap, we laugh. And we gently and joyfully encourage more.

And what do we do when we take our first steps in learning a new skill or attempting something new?  We analyze and criticize.  We reprimand ourselves for not having done it sooner and for not doing it perfectly yet.  Think about that baby again.  Which of the reactions is more likely to make it keep trying?

We pretend that being hard on ourselves is holding a higher standard.  But if you really take a look at the things you’ve attempted in your life.  Did it really lead to a perfectly executed result?  Or did it lead to you feeling like a failure and a loser? And retreating to your version of comfort and avoidance like shopping or sitting on the couch watching old re-runs of Friends?

Next time you find yourself criticizing your less than perfect efforts picture a yourself as a child.  He or she has is proudly sharing the results of their efforts.  What do they most need and want right now?

If that is too much try picturing a child you know and love.  Or look at these eyes.  Look at that face.  What would you say to him if he did something less than perfectly?

If you did yesterday’s dare of just getting on the metaphorical bike then you are probably having a similar experience to your first attempt at riding a bike.  It probably didn’t go much like you expected or planned.  Your ride was wobbly and swervey.  Inelegant.  You may have fallen and bruised your ego.

If your inner bully is anything like mine it is relentless.  Even now, after years and years of reading the personal growth book of the week when I don’t do something well that I think I should my “you’re a failure” tapes kick in.

It took some practice.  It took sticky notes on my mirror, in my car, in my wallet, and the message “There is no such thing as failure, only feedback” on my screen saver to help me remember.  Now when my inner bully pipes up with his little you’re a failure song and dance my response is, Ok, ok, thanks and right now I need to concentrate on figuring out what the feedback is here.

For some people this idea that there is no such thing as failure.  That it is all just feedback may raise all kinds of alarms.  If it does just for now try it on the next time your first or 100th attempt at something doesn’t work.  You can always go right back to believing you are a failure.  Just notice which one is more effective for getting what you want.

I am doing this exercise along with you.  I had been cruising along with this belief, much less bothered by things I would have seen as failures before.  Now I’m having the opportunity to have it really tested again. My passion outside coaching and speaking is kitesurfing.  For the last 6 years I lived near a world class kitesurfing beach.  I has its own set of challenges – waves, sharks, strong winds.  They were the challenges I was used to.  The challenges that were so familiar they weren’t really challenges anymore.  Very recently I moved to San Francisco.  There the challenges are very different – strong currents, fluky winds, boat traffic.  Suddenly I went from queen of the beach to having to be rescued my first 2 times out. I’ve made 3 attempts at the races and have made it across the start line only once and not once across the finish line.   The “You’re a failure” tracks suddenly went into high rotation with the volume cranked way up.   Once I remembered the principle I got busy figuring out the feedback and learning the skills I need to meet the challenges unique to that kiteboarding spot.  Next week will be attempt 4.

Remember learning to ride a bike?  You didn’t learn by reading about it.  Or thinking about it.  Or going to seminars on it.  You learned by getting on the bike and trying it.  You probably had someone there who knew how to ride a bike.  Once you made an attempt they could give you feedback on adjustments to make.

Until you actually made an attempt you and your teacher had no idea what would be working for you and what would need adjustment.  It is the same with every other outcome you want to create in your life.  You can read and think about it and prepare for it only so much.  At some point you must just do it.

The irony is that to perfectly execute a project or outcome you must make imperfect attempts.  Those attempts reveal valuable information that is impossible to anticipate.

What is the “bike” in your life?  What report, website, etc. are you convinced needs a 10th or 78th revision before it is ready to be shared?   Which of your dreams is unfulfilled because you’re so busy planning for it?

Today. Right now.  Do whatever is the equivalent of actually getting on the bike and riding.  Just DO something.

The Amish have a tradition.  When they make something they intentionally put in a flaw.  The belief is that only God can make something perfect and to try would be hubris.

As a child I would get frustrated because art projects and my handwriting never came out the way they were in my head.  Thanks to the gift of dyslexia not much ever did or ever would. I might have gotten into the habit of giving up. Instead, my mother who would  remind me of the tradition of putting in a flaw saying, “There, now you have your flaw.  Now you can go on.”

This has became my habit of thinking.  Even to this day when I make a mistake that could be framed as a failure of a project I find myself thinking.  “There’s my flaw, now I can go on.”

I’ve often wondered if the Amish tradition didn’t evolve as a way to keep people from being paralyzed by perfectionism.  It is amazingly freeing to pursue a task with the mindset that it is only perfect if it has a flaw.  At the very least maybe the idea will distract and confuse your inner critic long enough for you to get the project done.

When you find yourself in perfection paralysis.  Try thinking of the flaw as a requirement for perfection.

Do you find yourself never actually doing anything because there is always one more step you must do to prepare?
Or because there is always one more revision to be made?
Do you have unfinished projects abandoned when it became clear it wasn’t going to come out looking like it does on the box or in your mind?

If you answered yes to these questions then you may suffer from Perfection Paralysis.  Millions of people suffer from this heartbreaking condition. It causes them to miss out on experiences that would bring them joy and satisfaction.  And causes them to experience chronic regret and frustration.

The good news is there is a cure.  And it’s not a little pill with a list of side effects more horrifying than the condition itself.  Perfection Paralysis can be cured by changing one’s habits of thinking.

We used to think that the neural net of the brain was pretty much set by adulthood. In the last few years it has become clear that the neural net can be changed.  Much as a person can change their body by changing their diet and exercise habits.  The brain can be changed by our diet of information and thinking habits.

Even if you’ve suffered from Perfection Paralysis for what seems your whole life, through changing your diet of thoughts and a new thought routine you can make a change.  You can free yourself from the crippling effects of perfectionism and finally start living your life to the fullest.

Note: No matter how perfect you are, this  may take longer than a week  One doesn’t go from being a couch potato to running a marathon in a week.  Just as it takes extended daily commitment to new eating and exercise routines to get in physical shape, it takes commitment to new thinking habits to get into mental shape.

This week’s daily dares are about presenting new thought diets and thinking routines to incorporate into your life this week and beyond.

Just like exercise they only work if you do them.  Doing them less than perfectly is better than not doing them at all.

This week read the dares, do the dares and post your results here on on the facebook page.  Even if you didn’t do it perfectly.  Especially if you didn’t do it perfectly!

Most people interpret Robert Frost’s poem “The Road Not Taken” to be an ode to individuality and taking one’s own path. I’ve always seen an additional meaning.  He indicates that the paths are equally worn.  So they must have about the same traffic.  What if it is not just question of how many other people are on the road but also how many times he has taken that road?  Taking the road we travel less can make all the difference

Today take a different route.  Driving to work. On your morning run. To the kitchen.  Our outside world is a reflection of our inside world.  Have you’ve worn a threadbare path in the carpet?  Most days are you on such autopilot that you don’t even remember your commute? your thinking is likely in a rut as well.

Changing ordinary routines knocks the brain out of it’s automatic pilot zombie trudge through the day and through life.  It doesn’t matter if there are lots of other people on that road.  The person you most need to connect with may be on that road.  What makes all the difference is that you take the road you have not taken.

If you should happen to have an adventure of a moment of serendipity on your new path please share it here.

When you give and give and give you are really taking.  When you are constantly giving you leave no room for the other person to contribute.  It creates an unbalanced relationship.  You deny them the opportunity to experience one of the 6 basic human needs – significance.

People want to contribute. A balanced give and take builds community. Think about how good it feels when your offer for help is graciously accepted.  What if asking for and accepting assistance was actually the greatest act of giving?

I used to be a give, give giver.  Then I hit a point in my life where I had to ask for help to survive.  I was surprised when one of my friends shared with me how happy he was to be able to give to me for a change.  “I’ve always wanted to give something back, but you’ve always been so strong.  I felt like I had nothing you needed.”  Needing support and assistance from friends deepened our bonds, strengthened our community.  Suddenly we went from people who know each other to a “village.”

I often get teary eyed with love and gratitude for my village.  Whenever I dare to take a risk I never feel like I’m doing it alone.

Most people think the internet is a world wide web of information.  But really  it is an ever tightening net of filtered information.  Google, Yahoo, AOL, facebook and a multitude of other sites are dedicated to offering users a tailor made experience.

It seems helpful and useful, but as Eli Pariser explains in the TEDtalk below “the internet is showing us a world it thinks we want to see, but not necessarily what we need to see.”

Today’s Dare: Watch this video and from now on click with the intention of keeping your net wide.  Keep the search engines guessing what to send you. Seek out online the things which challenge you.  Seek out sites with opinions different from yours.  Download Waiting for Superman right away and let Ironman sit for a few days.

Eli talks about how “filter bubbles” could be detrimental to democracy.  I would add that they are also detrimental to our own personal growth.  When we get only information supporting our current worldview we our thinking becomes stagnant.  You never know what new and different information or perspective could ignite your passion.

What if you held out for your dreams the same way you held out for the perfect pair of shoes for an outfit?

We do this you know.  We get a picture of the absolutely perfect pair of shoes we need to complete an outfit and then search relentlessly until we find them. And keep our minds open for something even better that we never even thought of.

And yet when it comes to our lives we’ll accept any old thing that comes our way.  Or worse talk ourselves into something that is completely wrong.

When you try to turn a running shoe into a white satin pump all you get is....Well, something like this...

There are women who want a family yet persist in dating men who are clear they do not want kids.  He is a running shoe and they are seeking a white satin pump.  He might be the most amazing running shoe ever.  Still not going to work with that wedding dress. (Also, no fair being mad at the running shoe for being what he is).

We do it in our careers.  I did it for years.  I wanted to wear the fabulous bold colored heels of an entertainer.  Instead I settled for the sensible shoes of a teacher.  Now I’ve found the perfect shoe – a bold fabulous looking heal that is also sensible. OK, a heel is never really 100% sensible, but they are making them much more comfortable now, padding, good design, etc.   When I started my journey all I knew was the shoes I was wearing weren’t enough, they didn’t reflect my fun innovative side the way I wanted.  I tried on alot of different shoes and finally found what is right for me.  There were many along the way that would’ve worked but they weren’t my Cinderella slippers.  Now I’ve found it and I invite you to do the same.

While we’re at it let’s reframe that story.  What if your glass slipper isn’t reveling to the prince you’re the mysterious princess?  What if stepping into your glass slipper means stepping into the shoe that is exactly meant for you so you can most comfortably and easily walk the path that is meant for you?

Hold out for what is right for you.  Wearing the wrong shoes just ends up in painful blisters which slow you down and ultimately stop you altogether.

Now that you’ve confessed Your Secret Dream pursue it as relentlessly as you would the perfect pair of shoes.  And dismiss anything that is not a match just as immediately and completely as you would the wrong shoe.

I have a friend who’s real passion and purpose in life it to be a mother who stays at home and dedicates drive and ambition to her family.  For women of our generation admitting to and pursuing this desire takes a great deal of courage.  We grew up watching our mothers fight for equal opportunity.  We were raised on the belief that stay-at-home motherhood was the shackles created to keep women down.

She hid this dream for years. I remember the first time she confessed this to me and one other close friend.  She felt like she was letting the sisterhood down by wanting to dedicate her ambition and drive wholly to raising a family.  She was miserable in her career, even though it drew on her talents and her interests.  It wasn’t what she knew she was meant to do.

When she confessed to us we gave her our wholehearted support.  We both wanted to see her happy.  And the world could use a few kids raised with the same kind of dedicated passion that some people choose to invest in their careers.

The first step is confessing your dream to someone you can trust to treat it with the proper care and respect it deserves.  Sometimes it is a family member.  Sometimes it is a friend. And sometimes without even knowing it they are more committed to supporting some other version of you.  Sometimes you need to seek out the support of a coach or mentor whose has no dog in this fight and whose only objective is you getting what you want out of life.

I almost never watch TV. The other night I felt compelled to turn it on and the screen lit up with the words OSAMA BIN LADEN IS DEAD under live coverage of cheering crowds in front of the White House. As I watched Marianne Williamson’s words rang in my mind. (bold is mine)

“A Course in Miracles says that miracles rise from conviction. Conviction is everything now. It’s not enough to be educated, or informed; we need to be convicted. If you want to see conviction, watch the terrorists. I can’t imagine a “kind of, sort of, sometimes, casually, when it’s convenient” committed terrorist. Those people are horrifyingly committed. Hatred in fact has a perverse kind of courage. On the other hand I know a lot of people – who among us hasn’t been there? –who are “kind of, sort of, sometimes, casually, when it’s convenient” committed to love. I think there are far more lovers than haters on this planet, but human evolution is being held hostage by a relatively few haters. And that’s for the simple reason that they hate with conviction and real intent. When we begin to love with greater conviction and real intent, then things will change.”

I dare you to stand with conviction and real intent for love. Instead of celebrating Bin Laden’s death ask yourself, “If I were to love with even more conviction and intent than they hate what would I say? What would I do? And go do it. Do it everyday. Do a little more everyday. With conviction. With intent. Even when it is not convenient.